S5 E10 - Mother's Mercy

Burning children doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Half of Stannis's men bolt in the night. His wife hangs herself.
Sam heads off to the Citadel with Gilly and babby in tow.
A giant battle between Stannis and Winterfell happens, but you only get to see a 4 second, mile away view. Fuckin lame.
Ramsay's hoe threatens Sansa. Theon nuts up and hucks her off a ledge. #splat
Mr. Pedophile spends his evenings beating up little girls, one of which is Arya, who surprise stabs him in the eyeballs and eeevvverywhere else...many times.
The Riddler doesn't approve and calls her out, drinks death juice, but it's not actually him. Arya pulls off all his faces to reveal her face, Luke Skywalker style, and starts to go blind.
Snake lady gives Myrcella poison kisses.
D-Money is out in BFE. A horde of Dothraki peeps find her.
Cersei confesses but not truthfully. They hose her down, chop off her hair, and make her walk naked through the streets.
Bye bye Jon Snow. Stabbed by his bros...for the Watch.

Rating: Surprising things happened but entertaining things did not.

S5 E9 - The Dance of the Dragons

Ramsay takes 20 dudes and sets fire to Stannis's camp.
Jon Snow and the wildlings return to the wall.
Jayme and his buddy cop are allowed to return with Romeo and Juliet in tow.
Snake girl gets torched to appease Crazy Tits's god.
Arya follows some jerks from King's Landing.
D-Money takes in the spectacle of the fighting pits.
Jorah survives the fighting pit fracas and hucks a spear at a would-be gold masked queen murderer.
Gold maskies descend upon the coliseum. New king dude gets shanked. Shit looks bad.
Dragonbro comes and wrecks faces, and D-Money hops on and flies away.

Rating: Pretty aight.

S5 E8 - Hardhome

Tyrion talks D-Money into listening to him. Suggests he would be a good advisor.
She tosses his buddy cop out on his ass though.
Sansa finds out her bros weren't barbecued.
Arya's sensei keeps talking in riddles. #boredofthis
Cersei's still imprisoned. Got that prison hair.
Jorah chooses to put himself back in the fighting pits.
Jon Snow talks some Wildling peeps into coming with. Others scoff.
As they're loading people up in boats, White Walkers come with an army of deady zombie skeleton types. Wildlings get fucked up.
Jon kills a White Walker, gets away.
The dead rise. #everybodysfucked

Rating: Pretty good. Finally a threat I can be fearful of.

S5 E7 - The Gift

Sansa asks Theon for help. Light the candle to call on those faithful to the Starks.
Ramsay is there. Theon snitches. The old lady gets her skin peeled off as a reward for her loyalty.
Aemon Targaryen, the blind man at the wall, dies. #sadness
Winter is coming. Stannis is coming for Winterfell. Crazy tits wants him to sacrifice his daughter. #nahmannah
Gilly gets accosted by some bros. Sam gets his ass kicked by them, but wolfie saves them. All's well that ends well because he gets some as a result.
Jorah and Tyrion get bought as slaves, Jorah because fighting. Tyrion because haha.
Daenerys's boy toy is jelly.
Something something gratuitous assassin tits.
Jorah goes to the fighting pits. Daenerys, who I'm going to start calling D-Money, is not into it. Jorah whoops ass but D-Money tells him to piss off. Tyrion shows up. #fadetoblack
Cersei smugly goes to visit Margaery but gets a surprise accusation from the High Sparrow. Go to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Rating: Slow as usual, but then OH SHIT!

S5 E6 - Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

Arya be washing dead people and levels up in whatever the fuck this group is.
Tyrion and Jorah get taken by slavers, and we learn that "cock merchants" are a thing.
Littlefinger makes a deal with Cersei to become warden of the north. Sansa's head is part of the deal.
Jaime and his buddy cop get to town and have to fight off three chicks to save whatshername. Both parties are stopped by the guard.
Loras is under fire for diddling dudes. He and Margaery both are going to be tried for lying.
Sansa marries Ramsay. He rapes her on their wedding night and makes Theon watch...

Rating: That's some fucked up shit.

S5 E5 - Kill the Boy

Barristan is dead.
Daenerys feeds a dude to her dragons like a boss.
Jon Snow lets the Wildling dude go but has to go with him. Most peeps are pissed.
Winter's been coming for five seasons. If winter's the exciting bit, let it come.
Theon/Reek's sleeping in the kennels. Torturey McDicksnip makes him apologize to Sansa.
Stannis is leaving the wall.
Daenerys decides she made a mistake and is gonna marry one of her potential dragonsnacks instead.
Tyrion and his captor are attacked by "stone men". Bye bye boat.
Jorah gets greyscale as a result. He'll be a nutbar soon if not treated.

Rating: Back to boring

S5 E4 - Sons of the Harpy

Jaime - He's on a boat, motherfucker. Motherfucker, he's on a boat.
Cersei - Allows Sparrows free rein to wreck shit. Chain whippin all the whores and swiping queeny's brother.
Tommen - The boy king's a dumb and kind of a puss.
Jon Snow - Touches crazy lady titties. He also still knows nothing apparently.
Jaime Part Deux - Gets to shore, fights some dudes with his buddy cop.
Tyrion - Still dwarf-napped. Ironically is being taken to Daenerys. Spends most of episode unconscious.
Gold masky Sons of the Harpy people kill errbody. Unsullied get wrecked.
Grey Worm has more holes than he used to have.

Rating: Is Aight

S5 E3 - High Sparrow

Sansa went to a place. People talked. She's gonna marry Torturey McDicksnip.
Arya got rid of some stuff.
Jon chopped off a dude's head and assigned someone to build a toilet.
Margaery boned a man-child.
Gratuitous lady tits and one old man ass make an appearance. *sigh*
Tyrion was dwarf-knapped.
The End

Rating: Meh